I can go from Adele’s lyrics:

Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to “talk”
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much healing
Hello, can you hear me?
I’m in “Calgary” dreaming about who we used to be

To Michael Bolton:

Gonna break these chains around me
Gonna learn to fly again
May be hard, may be hard, but I’ll do it
When I’m back on my feet again
Soon these tears will all be dryin’
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Might take time, might take time, but I’ll see it
When I’m back on my feet again

These lyrics sometimes tried to capture how I feel in a context different from what the writers were thinking when they wrote the lyrics. For me, nine years went by so fast and it still hurts like it was a last year. I try to internalize a lot things but I don’t think I am doing a good job at this one. How can? Several days, I argue in my mind if your exit could have been avoided. If like the heroes of faith at the point of death, you despised this world for a another world and you decided to let go of the fight to stay alive. If it is the latter, I may understand how you felt as I have often given up some fights too because I was convinced it wasn’t worth the fight. Many thoughts come to mind. If truly we become like God when we enter into eternity, then you are not ignorant of my thoughts. Then you are aware of how I run the shower for longer periods just to wash down my tears. You are aware of some of my guilt feeling of not coming home as many times as I should have. You are aware of how I sincerely wish I was right beside you when your spirit left your body. Though I was within the same vicinity, I sincerely wish I saw exactly how you finally exited. I am left with the consolation of having wheeled you a night before and walking into that ward at 2am to check up on you (you know how timid of a young man I was. Hospital was not my thing but I think your exit dealt with that).

Somehow, I feel like God played a fast one on me because I was convinced it was just a mild sickness. I could bet it was. I slept in that car at the car park deceiving myself that you were gonna walk out of that ward as I saw several people walk out. In retrospect, if I knew it was gonna go like this, I surely would have been by your side. I took the courage to stay in the hospital thanks to Bankole but death was the last thing on my mind. What a delusion! Without meaning to sound spooky but as someone who is also interested in the spiritual because I believe the spiritual governs the terrestrial, I keep pondering what happened when your spirit left your body? Did you go through dark tunnel? Did you appear before God immediately? Were you hovering around for a while? What really happened? I can bet if Heaven was a mile away, I would have visited you just to take a ride with you but like I always say I am not in  a hurry.

Fatherhood has unveiled some of your struggles to me and how I wish I could give you some feedback/update. I do not think you were perfect but who is a perfect father? As I have learnt from a sage: U may hate him now but one day God willing  you will be a father yourself, and you will fall short as all parents do and be disliked momentarily and you will know what it is to ask for the forgiveness from your own son. You really did a fine job with five children and several cousins. I struggle with two boys. I miss the time with you (I recount a lot of memories from telling me what life was about from your own lens and barging into my teenage and early twenties’ schedule to drive you to weddings without any regard for my own prior plans. While barging into my plans wasn’t much fun then, it is something I would have gladly done knowing what I know now)

I used to think you took life too seriously but I grew to know life is that serious especially when you lead a family knowing you don’t have the luxury of living anyhow as your deeds have great impact on those you lead. While I am dealing with your loss as if it happened last year despite it has been nine years, I really envy those men who still have their fathers. I like to say, if all your father has to share with you are his own mistakes, its worth spending time with him because from the stories of the elderly, you can pick a lot of wisdom.

I just stopped by to let you know how badly i miss you and how that singular event changed my entire view. Hope to write many more as it comes to mind before we meet again. Surely not anytime soon except Jesus comes.